Crispy Bacon
When I finally came on to blog I realized my last update was still sitting there. Unpublished. From September.
I have been procrastinating an update for awhile. I’ve made notes in sessions of things to tell you guys but, then I don’t sit down and do it. I could beat myself up for it but, I’ll choose not to. Instead, I’ll be here now with whatever comes up.
A lot has changed. I started radiation and today was #22 of 30 My skin feels like crispy bacon and I’m emotional. I cry every day, most of the time I cry several times every day. It’s been a long year filled with a tonne of trauma. Sometimes I wonder if I can handle another minute of it all but, I keep waking up and trying.
Early on I refused to call this a fight, not wanting to fight cancer. Fighting something in my body seemed odd to me seeing as I wanted my body to help me eliminate the cancer not fight with something inside of me. But, now it’s been cut out (hopefully it’s all gone!) and now, it feels like a fight. A fight for my life. A fight to find myself again. A fight to survive and never be back in this again. A fight to not give up.
My body gets tired. My body is sore. It’s hard to look in the mirror and see myself and the new scars that exist. Sometimes I can’t look. Some days it’s too hard. It’s hard to watch my body try to navigate the burns from radiation. It’s hard to have lopsided breasts. This journey hasn’t been about saving my ego, it’s been about saving my life. And that thought alone is hard. This journey is filled with grief as I walk through each step of the process trying my hardest to let myself feel as much of it as I possibly can.
I have been having a lot of my own TIR sessions. Craig is always there for me- that man knows more about me than any other human, and I will forever be thankful for him. I can’t get enough of my own sessions lately, and some of my interns have been giving me sessions too. It’s been awesome!! My sessions help me more than any other thing. The emotions that go along with this journey for many sadly are overlooked. Years down the road I don’t want to have suppressed emotions about this trauma. So, I’m doing the work. Every day. Confronting the pain of as much as I can.
I can finally have my lotion applied to my breast and the radiation area without crying. I wasn’t crying because of physical pain, more so because of emotional pain. If I didn’t confront this what would my body do? Just store it to manifest more dis-ease. No thank you.
I had a lot of worry about recurrence. I didn’t achieve what they call pCR (pathogenic Clear Response) Its what ever one hopes for when they test the tissue after surgery. When you get pCR you have less chance of recurrence with TNBC (triple negative breast cancer) I felt like a failure. Again. I started blaming myself. I couldn’t finish all the chemo because of the allergy. I didn’t do treatment good enough. What the actual heck. Where do these ideas and beliefs come from? The worry was spinning inside of me like a dog chasing his tail. It was keeping me up at night. It was in the background of my every day. It felt like I didn’t get a break from the worry for even a moment. Then I did a future TIR and the thoughts of worry about recurrence subsided. I’ve been able to move forward with much more peace about all of it. Nothing changed, except me. I eliminated the charge that was contributing to a lot of the worry.
My Oncologist told me that I needed to find a way to not worry. Her suggestion was to find a box in my brain and put my worry there and only take it out when I could handle it. She also suggested I do something I like every day saying if I like cappuccino that every day I take myself for a cappuccino. I tried not to laugh. I won’t be putting my worry in a box in my brain. I legit don’t want brain cancer or some other manifestation of doing such a ridiculous sounding thing! A cappuccino, although not my first choice seemed a bit like frosting the turd to me. So, I’ll follow my way and do more TIR. That’ll help me confront the actual pain so I can enjoy the Starbucks for real not just go as a distraction from reality. These professionals really could benefit from understanding the trauma aspect of this all but I’ll keep working on that!
Speaking of following my way. I got some head art on my growing hair and have had 2 haircuts now! I still feel like i look like a boy but my hair is growing!
I’ve been working a little and I miss work so much! I am hoping some new or old clients come back soon! But, I’m trusting the timing! I’d love to do a training soon too, if anyone wants to learn hit me up! We can have some fun!
Until next time, I love you all! xox -A
