I did it! Radiation is over!

This is Stepahnie and I on my last day of radiation. Steph is the nurse for Dr Yousuf and my favorite. She is such a sweetie.

I love Dr Yousuf and the radiation team. They were all so kind, so in tune and so genuine. I found radiation easy compared to the rest of the journey. I met some very special people in the chairs in the hall and was always impressed with the staff in the radiation department.

They told me it would get worse before it gets better and would peak at its worst 2 weeks after I finished. I decided not to take that on. It didn’t need to get worse before it got better and I knew it. I kept up with the magic aloe my friend Sylvie made me, and my skin is almost back to normal. She mixed it with lavender, helichrysum and frankincense and it smells so nice! The radiologist and nurses suggested some over the counter creams and some Medicated creams from the pharmacist but that’s just not my jam. If cortisone thins the skin then how is that helpful? It made no sense to me and so I went with my gut on this one. Somehow always going with my gut works out better than going with someone else’s idea for me and again, I was reminded to follow my way.

Following your way is sometimes really dang hard and sometimes it’s easy.

I have one week left until I meet with Dr Hamm. I’m really struggling with the decision on chemo pills. I don’t want to take them. I feel so many unwanted things since IV chemo ended. The cancer team tells me these things are “just chemo side effects”

That really pushes my buttons. JUST a side effect? My hands hurt constantly and wake me up at night. It looks like rigamortus set in when I wake up. And then there is the daily stomach pain that also causes many tears. Food and I aren’t friends these days and nothing feels safe to eat. How is all of this JUST a side effect? I want to scream in their face.

So, do I want any more side effects from oral chemo? Absolutely not!

Do I want to die? Not ready for that either.

When I think about not doing the oral chemo I feel like a bad mom. Kylee has let me know several times that isn’t how it works. Yet that’s how I feel every time I have the thought to not do it. They said it increases my chances of non recurrence by 11%. Is 11% worth the risk of more side effects? I really don’t know.

At times it feels like I’m going against my body. The body I want working with me. I don’t like pharmaceuticals.

The struggle is real friends. And yet, I also believe deep in my soul that if I keep doing my inner work that’ll be how I don’t have a recurrence. I can move pain and I can change the cells in my body by doing my inner work. That’s what’s helped me the most through this whole journey. So, I’ll keep showing up. Craig still meets me every week online and my interns have been doing sessions with me too- so I’m getting lots of sessions and that in itself is healing! ❤️‍🩹 I think it’s what is missing in cancer treatment. No one asks me how I am emotionally at the cancer clinic. They basically just offer me pills for the symptoms at this stage. I always say no.

I’ve been seeing Dr Sun for acupuncture and she is a gem. She listens and treats what I tell her is causing discomfort and I have faith in traditional Chinese medicine. That feels right, so do more of what feels right. I’m there twice a week and I can feel her love as she does her work. Love is healing.

I do have to laugh though. She was talking about my circulation and told me my pants are too tight. I don’t know what she meant, my pants are causing circulation problems or my pants are too tight for treatment. Either way, it gave me something to laugh about and I’ll take all the laughs I get! I wear lululemon dance studio joggers every day and they aren’t too tight. 🤪

Kylee and I started and finished Christmas shopping in one day! And had a blast doing it!

I’m really thankful for my crew.

I had a night in the ER, where Mikey was my advocate extraordinaire. He’s always trying to help me. I’m lucky to be supported by him. I had some tears over my lack of contribution lately. He reminds me every day, I’m not what I do or what I make. I’m so thankful for him.

Kyran, Kylee, Kalvin and I are snuggled on the couch and Mikey will be back soon to join us. I hope your Sunday is relaxing and filled with love!

Thanks for being here! xox