I Don’t Like Cake! But, I Love Birthdays!

My girl turned 19 on June 6th. June 6th was also my last scheduled Red Velvet. We decided to celebrate Kylee a day early. Brunch at the twisted apron, a day of shopping and all things Kylee, dinner at Maggiano’s, and Baskin Robins which we ate in the Jeep since both the kids were missing Kalvin.

We got home to a waggy tailed Kalvin, showed Mikey all of Kylee’s purchases and snuggled with Kalvin, the dread came on heavy before crashing hsrd after a long day. Tomorrow, June 6 - don’t forget Amie, its chemo day…ugh.

As the alarm went, the dread was even heavier. I didn’t want to get up for chemo. I’m sick of feeling sick. It took everything in me to force myself up and in the shower.

How does it get any better than this? Chemo was delayed…..my neutrophil levels were low - nurse Heidi explained that means your immune systems first line of defence is low so it wasn’t safe to run chemo since I can’t do the shots like most people after the Red Velvet (AC) to increase white blood cells. My body does the work instead. Seems like a better idea to me anyways! I don’t like pharmaceuticals.

Kylee had taken me to this treatment and I had all the feels. It was her 19th birthday. What a crap way to spend a birthday…. sitting in the chemo “suite”. I can’t even type that without doing what I do best…. Telling you what I actually think. I’ve stayed in my share of suites. They’re lying. Nothing about that place resembles a suite. It’s more like the motel 6 with not enough beds. This one time my cousin Michelle and I went to Florida together, we thought we were the most grown up teenagers around driving there in my Ford Probe. We had a budget and a plan. We thought we didn’t care about where we stayed as long as it had a pool. It didn’t take us more than 2 minutes to change our mind and throw our budget in the ocean. First atop motel 6. I didn’t get a good feeling based on the smell in the “lobby” or whatever that nasty area was. So, I sent her to the pool, and I went to the room. The room wreaked of cigarette smoke even though it was a non smoking room and the pool had an actual log of shit floating in it. And, we were out. I’ve never been near a motel 6 again and I’m not sad about it. Now, the cool thing that happened next is reality a testament to how I’ve manifested things for a really long time. We pulled in to a hotel that was double the price of the motel 6 but the landscaping was manicired and the lobby was beautiful. I could see the pool from the lobby and it was laiden with umbrellas and fountains. I walk to the desk to try to get us a room. The lovely employee was very kind but they had no rooms available. Now this was before google amd Expedia times so I asked her did she have any recommendations? She jumped at the opportunity to help and suggested another hotel right down the road. Then proceeded to give me a card to match the rate since she couldn’t help me: I thank her and head back to my car where Michelle is waiting. We make our way to the suggested hotel to find a little piece of heaven. It’s stunning. Valet parking. 5 star goodness. As we swam in the pools and lounged in luxury with pineapple drinks and bougie sheets I knew and fully accepted I just wasn’t a motel 6 kind of traveller.

Not much has changed. Every chemo treatment I try to make the most out of my morning at the motel 6 but I’m also not pretending it’s not like a shit in the pool of life: If they try to cram any more people in there it’ll have to be in lawn chairs.

Enough complaining. That department is closed for today.

Where was I? My body helped get me out of chemo for my babies 19th birthday. Yippee!!!!! Let’s go make some fun kiddo!

We shopped and had lunch and a girls day before heading home for a lasagna and an ice cream date with the family.

Happy Birthday, Kylee!

it is hard to be fully present and have fun. It’s hard to go out to restaurants and eat. Eating hurts. The heartburn and the rawness in my throat makes swallowing a chore. Cancer sucks. Even in the happiest times the lingering symptoms and cloud are still there. I do my best to acknowledge the icky parts but I would be lying to you if I said they ever leave me alone. The icky parts are always there.

Kylee took over decorating my bald head over the last several weeks. I haven’t felt good enough to make appointments. My basic needs and a little bit of work has been the extent of my energy expenditure. It hurts me to admit it. I really am beyond sick of feeling sick. I nap a lot, and rest a lot. My hips hurt from all the laying around. Days are no longer easy for me. Even a shower takes energy I sometimes don’t have and have to push myself. At least my hair takes no time. It’s strange for me …. I’m used to having copious amounts of energy and overachieving. I feel like a lazy sloth. I asked Kalvin as the two of us were laying on the couch if he ever feels guilty watching the family clean up dinner while we lay there. He said no. Life as Kalvin seems a lot less complicated than life as Amie. I can’t help but feel guilty, and lazy. A lot of emotions present themselves and I’m so thankful for Craig and my weekly TIR sessions.

One week later we are back in at the motel 6 for my last chemo treatment and I’m good to go. It must’ve been all the ice cream that’s helped my white blood cell count 🤪

I got a bed at the motel 6 today and there’s one added bonus! I hate being in the chairs! I’m beside a very positive woman named Angela. She’s asking Kylee and I lots of questions and throws a little party of excitement when Kylee tells her it’s my last treatment. Bless her heart. After a clogged port and some delay we get running. As soon as the port gets accessed I buckle up, I know what the next weeks will entail. But, I chose to focus on the knowing this is the last treatment. It’s over after this! As I settled in, Kylee said “mommy close your eyes and take a rest”. as she smiled her pretty little smile at me at the foot of my bed, I listened and dozed off. I wish I could’ve stayed sleeping but dear Angela was getting some sad news and the motel 6 has zero privacy. It’s actually traumatizing just going there. You never know what you’re going to see or hear. On my last day, it was the sobs from Angela. It was hard to be happy for myself leaving that day and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

On a positive note, we gave out lots of hats, and the women who get them are always so thankful. I’m really glad you guys helped me do that- it’s been amazing! We still have more to give … I’ll be there again every day soon for 5 weeks for radiation.

I’m writing this post 10 days after my last treatment. The nausea, heartburn and just overall feeling of ick sadly are still with me. I’m still thinking about Angela and all the people I’ve met. I feel pretty yucky, and my diet consists of a lot of ice cream since it hurts to swallow still. Surgery is in 4 days and I’m excited for Penelope to come out and feel at peace with the rest of it. This weekend I’m going to take the doors off of the jeep and go for ice cream, float in the pool and do my very best to enjoy the weekend with my family and friends.

Enjoy the wind in your hair, the sun on your face and the ice cream dates…because summer is short, and life is filled with curve balls! Have a great weekend wonderful humans! 🩷