Just Being Me
It’s Friday; my usual day off, only everyone is home and I’ve slept in. It’s not usually a good day for me when I sleep in. I like to wake up early and then nap later. I love naps, I always have. I even have an “I love naps” pillow and a “PJs all day” pillow in my living room. Kalvin decided to chew open the corner of the “I love naps” pillow a few weeks ago and I was a little sad. I fixed it, even though it doesn’t look fixed at all because I didn’t use a sewing machine, just my hands and it looks weird now. I still want it, because weird fits my personality and I really do want people to know I love naps when they come over. I’m really needing naps these days. If I don’t do for myself the things I love, I feel like the pillow. Weird and a little wonky around the edges.
In its original form, it was really special.
After I stitched it. It’s still really special. And weird. It’s a lot like me, special and weird. I hope the surgeon knows how to sew better than me. But if not, it’s okay. I still love the pillow and I’ll still love me.
I didn’t get a nap because I visited with Tom. He was sitting on the pillow so he didn’t see it. It was a really nice visit. Even though I forgot to put on deodorant and noticed I smelled later that day. Some of the insight that came was about fighting, battling and killing.
I don’t really want to fight, battle, or kill anything. Feeding birds with scones, people. Don’t forget.
What handling cancer looks like for me includes (and is not limited to) staying positive and staying true to me. I believe that cancer and I can work together and have it move through and out my body, teaching me lessons and showing me another level of my own trauma to handle as we work this out and I can be a better version of me for it. I’m really strong and brave and weird.
I’m also realizing I need to choose the things that help me feel most like me and that I know help me in other ways. They’ll help cancer too.
TIR!
Walking
Dates with my people
Napping with Kalvin
Making healthy food
Meditating
Essential oils
Writing my book!
Laughing and being weird
Cuddling
Saying things other people think are “inappropriate”
Hugging people
Starbucks
Driving my jeep on bumpy surfaces like the field at work or the snow pile I took on today … it was really fun. My jeep is a pavement jeep but it loves any chance to get off of the pavement and do our thing!
Following my way and finding it
I also facilitated some laughs for Tom with my weirdness.
It’s taco 🌮 Friday, since I forgot on Tuesday. My family made them for me so they were extra yummy. Ever notice that? When someone else makes your food it somehow tastes better? Mexican food is my favourite, because I’m a Mexican trapped in this white girl body. I like to be warm and hate being cold. I don’t know about you, but if you step outside your door, it’s pretty cold in Ontario. I am going to ask Mikey to turn up the heat really high next time we have Mexican food - it’ll make pretending I’m vacationing in Mexico easier. Maybe I’ll wear my bathing suit too. I need a tan. Vanessa loves Mexican too. Maybe we can go to Salsa Caliente in our bathing suits and eat some guacamole and burn our mouths on churros.
I also had a call with Suzanne today. She saw my boob picture at her own chemo treatment and reached out. The travel agent in her must have known Vanessa and I wanted a beach. Well, Vanessa wanted a beach. I prefer the pool. I told you, weird. What? You thought I was hopped up on margaritas just because my thoughts are all over the place? My beach friends on margaritas, that’s a quick yes! But, me? No, I’m weird enough without margaritas! Plus, I’m what is called an adult child of alcoholics and control tendencies move through me. Suzanne talked to me about many of the things I might expect. She told me about cold capping and suggested I don’t google anything because the information online is all outdated. It was really helpful to talk to someone who’s also going through this.
